Everybody says: Marry me!
by Viginti Duo
Summary: Oneshot crack!fic. Join the Balamb Garden engagement insanity! Final 'pairing' only for those with a particularly strong stomach. Not to be taken seriously.


**DISCLAIMER: **I know you guys are all going to be shocked after what you hear, but I don't own FF8… Nor do I own the characters… I **had** to tell you the truth; I couldn't hold it in much longer…

**A/N: **Hey everyone! This is my first attempt on a 100% humor fic, so be gentle with me! ^_^ Those of you who have read any of my previous work, might notice that the format is different. I changed it so that it would fit with the story's style. If I kept it the same, it would have come out… odd. As you might have guessed, the title is a parody of the movie title "Everybody says: 'I love you'", but the story has nothing to do with it. Some of you might notice a 'Simpsons' cameo scene… ^_^ Hope it makes you laugh, enjoy! 

**_A few quick author's notes: _The plain text is in normal letters. The single bold words show intensity in speech, while the capitals indicate loud voice (shouting screaming etc.). The plain italics indicate speech and finally the bold italics are for thoughts.**

                            ***_~Everybody says: "Marry me!"~*_**

****

It was a quiet and beautiful Sunday morning at Balamb Garden. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and everything in general gave out a really romantic atmosphere. Squall and Rinoa were sitting at the cafeteria having breakfast. Squall was reading his paper, the 'Balamb Express', to stay informed about any current political events around the small continent of Balamb. Rinoa was sipping her coffee quietly, shooting loving looks over to Squall from time to time. Whenever he caught her eye, he smiled at her warmly and went back to reading. 

SQUALL: _'**Finally…A quiet Sunday morning… I can just sit here, drink my coffee and worry about nothing…'**_

****

SELPHIE: _"Hey guys!" ****_

Selphie's cheerful, but ear-piercing voice sounded all over the cafeteria room. 

SQUALL: **_'Why do you have to be such a cruel deity Hyne? WHY? I just wanted some peace today… *Sigh*'_**

The lively brunette ran all the way to the couple's table and started talking incessantly to Rinoa.

SELPHIE (excitedly): _"Rinny! Just the person I was looking for! You'll **never** guess what I found!"_

SQUALL (sarcastically): _"A way to talk less?"_

SELPHIE (pokes tongue out):_"No silly! And shut up! This is between me and Rinoa!"_ (sits between them in bench)

RINOA (curiously): _"What is it?"_

SELPHIE: _"I was just at __Balamb__City__ for shopping with Irvy, when we came across a new stand. I browsed a bit, 'cause I was looking for a magazine to buy and found **this**!" (sets down a magazine on the table)_

RINOA (puzzled): _"'Bride' magazine?" _(picks up magazine) 

Next to them, Squall choked on his coffee. He quickly put his paper down and banged hard on his chest with his fist. His face had gotten all red.

SQUALL: _"What?" _

SELPHIE (jokingly): _"I thought I told you to shut up…Anyway…I bought it and just started skimming along the pages when I saw this…" _(flips the magazine over to a certain page)

 Squall suddenly felt the collar of his shirt way too tight for an unknown reason.

RINOA (impressed):_"Oh, Hyne! This is beautiful!"_

SELPHIE (excitedly): _"I know! And I instantly thought about you! Wouldn't you look absolutely **lovely in it?!" **_

Squall's eyes shot wide open.

ZELL (walks into cafeteria): _"Mornin' everyone! What are y'all lookin' at?" _(leans over the magazine)

SELPHIE: _"Wouldn't Rinoa look amazing in this bridal gown?!" _(points at the picture of a model in that gown)

ZELL (enthusiastically): _"Oh yeah! She'd look fantastic!" _

Immediately Squall shot him a poisonous look 

ZELL (shrugging): _"What man?" _

SELPHIE: _"Yeah, what Squall?" _(turns to look at him, as well as Rinoa)

SQUALL (all sweaty): _"Uhh…Nothing…"_

IRVINE (walks over to them): _"Hey, what are you guys doing here?" _

SELPHIE (cheerfully): _"I was showing Rinoa the gown we saw!" _

IRVINE (grins, looking at the desperate expression on Squall's face):_"Were you now? So Squall… What did you think?" _(four pairs of eyes rest upon Squall)

SQUALL (rubs back of hair): _"Uhh… I… I…Oh hey, look everyone! Quistis is here!" _(springs up from his chair, walks over to Quistis)

Quistis was walking casually, unaware of what was going on.

SQUALL (cheerfully): _"Hey Quisty!" _

QUISTIS (raises an eyebrow): _"Quisty?" _

SQUALL (whispers): _"Please save me!" _

QUISTIS: _"What's going on?" _(looks at all the others)

SELPHIE: _"We were discussing on how great this bridal gown would look on Rinoa!" _(raises the magazine up high, for Quistis to see) 

Squall slammed a hand upon his forehead. Quistis walked over to the table and took the magazine in her hands.

QUISTIS (shrugging): _"She'd look OK…Bet I'd look better in it…" _

RINOA (annoyed): _"Yeah right!" _(grabs the magazine from Quistis' hands)

QUISTIS: _"Sure I would… I'd look a better bride next to Squall even in my SeeD uniform!" _

Squall couldn't believe his ears.

RINOA (gets up from chair): _"You're still after my man bitch?!" _

QUISTIS: _"Oh you bet! I'm **never giving up!" **_

ZELL (gets up): _"Now, now girls…" _

RINOA (yells): _"Shut the fuck up Chicken-wuss! This is between me and that super-bitch over there!" _

ZELL (hurt): _"That was MEAN! *Whimper* I'll go find library girl to console me…"_

IRVINE (exasperated): _"You don't even know her name!" _

QUISTIS (yells): _"EVERYONE SHUT UP! You wanna bring it on bitch? I'm ready for ya!" _(pulls up her sleeves)

With a scream, Rinoa launched her self on Quistis pulling her hair madly.

ZELL (yells): _"CAT-FIIIIIGHT!"_

Within seconds the center of the cafeteria where the two girls were ripping off each other's clothes was full of students.

TREPIE #5748: _"I bet 500 __Gil__ that the instructor kicks the shit out of her!" (waves a handful of Gil)_

SQUALL (tries to get between them): _"You girls, this is absurd!"_ (gets a rogue kick square in the jaw from Rinoa)

IRVINE: _"What are you crazy dude?! Let us watch!" (gets all excited)_

SQUALL (sighs): _"Oh man…" _

IRVINE (always looking at girls): _"You're really stupid, you know that? Why don't you keep both of them? Think of the possibilities…"_ (grins mischievously)

Squall scratched his head and fell into deep thought for a moment…

                                                                                    **_**DAY~DREAM**_**

Squall is lying on a swing out in a garden. He's wearing sunglasses and is drinking juice. Next to him, Rinoa and Quistis are doing chores. Rinoa is digging the ground, while Quistis is chopping firewood.

SQUALL (rhythmically): _"Chop-chop, did-dig… Chop-chop, dig-dig…" _

Rinoa stops digging and walks over to him. She walks behind him and touches his shoulders tenderly.

RINOA (whispers to ear seductively):_"You know Squally…There's **so** much more two girlfriends could do for you…"_

SQUALL (casually): _"I hear chopping, but I don't hear digging…" _

Rinoa's eyes shoot wide open and she returns to her digging 

SQUALL (rhythmically): _"Chop-chop, dig-dig… Chop-chop, dig-dig…" _

**_                                                                                    **END OF DAY~DREAM**_**

SQUALL:_ "Nah… Not a good idea…" _

IRVINE (shrugs): _"Whatever you say…HEY GIRLS!" _

Quistis and Rinoa stopped fighting momentarily; Quistis' hand was grabbing Rinoa's throat hard, while Rinoa was holding a big lock of Quistis' now let down hair.

BOTH GIRLS (impatiently): _"WHAT?!" _

IRVINE (grins): _"I've got a better idea…Why don't we take this to the Training center? I've spotted a **lovely mud pond! You can both wear you bathing suits and…" **_

Irvine never completed his sentence, because Selphie threw him a hard punch on the face.

SELPHIE (furiously): _"WHAT did you say?!"_

IRVINE (stutters): _"Uhh… Nothing I…" _

Everyone had turned their heads over to them; even Quistis and Rinoa had stopped fighting.

IRVINE (desperately): _"You know you're the only one I love babe! I can prove it!" _

Selphie crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. She was tapping her foot on the floor impatiently 

IRVINE (hesitantly): _"Uhh… Marry me?"_

SELPHIE (excitedly): _"WHAT?! Booyaka everyone! I'm getting married!!!" _ (jumps up and down) 

Irvine wiped the sweat off his forehead, exhaling air.

ZELL (chuckles): _"Nice going…" _

IRVINE: _"You **don't** want to see Selphie mad… Trust me… I took the best action possible…" _

Meanwhile Selphie was running around the cafeteria buying everyone hot-dogs, to celebrate.

ZELL (shouts): _"Hot-dogs?! Wait for meeeeeee!!!!!!!" _

RINOA (disappointed): _"Aw, no fair…"  _(gets up, dusts off her clothes) _"That should've been **me** getting married…"_

QUISTIS (scoffs): _"Dream on bitch…" _

RINOA (raises fists): _"Want your ass kicked more slut?!" _

_"Hey everyone!" _said a male voice out of nowhere.

EVERYONE (surprised): _"SEIFER?!" _

SEIFER (smirks): _"The one and only!" _

SQUALL: _"What the hell are **you doing here?!" **_(walks right in front of him)

SEIFER: _"Long story… Why hello there Instructor…"_ (shoves Squall away. Walks over to Quistis rubbing his chin)

QUISTIS (crosses arms): _"What?" _

SEIFER (in one breath):_"Well you see, Cid decided he should give me another shot at becoming a SeeD for no apparent reason so I came back here, meanwhile I've been doing a lot of thinking and I suddenly realized that although I hated your guts just a few months ago now I'm crazy in love with you and I've decided you're the only one for me." _

QUISTIS (raises an eyebrow): _"Your point?" _

SEIFER (smirks):_"Wanna go to my dorm and fuck our brains out?" _

QUISTIS (excitedly):_"Hell yeah!" _(grabs Seifer's ass and they both leave the cafeteria)._     _

EVERYONE (puzzled): _"O – K…"_

NIDA (walks in with Xu):_"Hey, listen up everyone!" _

Everyone stopped whatever they were doing and looked at him. 

NIDA: _"Xu and I are getting married!"_

*All remain silent. The sound of a cricket is heard*

RINOA (puzzled): _"Since when were you two dating?" _

XU (turns to look at Nida):_"That's a good question…" _

He looked at her too and they both just shrugged.

NIDA: _"I dunno… We just thought we'd get married…" _

XU: _"Either way, you're all invited!" _(both storm out of the cafeteria)

RINOA (whines, looking at Squall): _"C'mon! They not even dating and they're getting married…" _

ZELL (holds plate full of hotdogs):_"What's going on?" _

RINOA (crosses arms, frowning): _"Xu and Nida are getting married…" _

ZELL (panicked): _"Holy shit! Everyone's getting married! I gotta do something, I can't stay behind!  Where's the library girl?!" _(looks around frantically) _"There she is! Hey, library girl!" (drops the plate of hot-dogs, running over to her)_

SHIZUKA: _"What is it Zell?" _

ZELL (falls on one knee): _"Library girl…Will you marry me?"_

SHIZUKA (angrily): _"My **name is Shizuka!" **_(puts hands on her hips)

ZELL: _"Yeah, whatever… Will you marry me?" _

SHIZUKA (shrugs): _"Yeah sure." _

ZELL (excitedly): _"Great!" _ (runs over to others) _"Hey you guys! I'm getting married!"_ (smiles broadly)

RINOA (whines, stamping feet on floor): _"Squaaaall…" _

QUISTIS (smirks): _"Hey guys…" _(walks inside the cafeteria holding hands with Seifer)

IRVINE: _"Wow… That was…" (looks at his watch) __"…fast…"_

SEIFER (looks at Quistis mischievously): _"Yeah, we couldn't wait until we got to the dorms, so we had a quickie out in the corridors…" _

IRVINE (exasperated): _"Aw, c'mon! And nobody told me anything?!" _

QUISTIS: _"That's not the point here…We came here to tell you guys… That we're getting married!" _

RINOA: _"Ohhh…" _(faints and falls hard on the ground)

**                                                                                    *THUMB!***

SQUALL (casually):_"She'll live…" ****_

IRVINE: _"But how d'you guys decide so fast?" ****_

QUISTIS**: **_"Well… I finally found someone who's hotter and sexier than Squall…So… UP YOURS SQUALL!" (turns over at him, giving him the finger) _"Plus… he's a **way better lover…" **_(looks at Seifer who winks at her)****_

RINOA (faintly): _"How would you know what kind of lover Squall is?!" _(tries to get up from floor)****

QUISTIS (puts a finger on chin, thinking): _"Well… There was this **one** time when we were at the orphanage…" _

RINOA (widens up eyes): _"You were under ten years old then!" _

QUISTIS (shrugs): _"Yeah, so?" _asked Quistis shrugging.

IRVINE: _"Sick! Man, even **I **got sick at the sound of that!" _

QUISTIS: _"Anyway… The point is that we're getting married, so… UP YOURS TOO RINOA!" _

RINOA (yells): _"Aaaargh!" _(runs out of the cafeteria)

SQUALL (wearily): _"Oh great…" _

QUISTIS: _"Come Seifer. We can now go over to my dorm, where you'll dress up as my slave and I'll spank you with my whip…"_

SEIFER (excitedly): _"Ooh yeah!" _(follows her outside)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_   _

After about an hour, Squall returned to his dorm. He found Rinoa waiting for him inside; she was sitting on the bed and had her arms crossed.

RINOA (seriously):_"Squall…" _ (gets up) _"We need to talk…"_

SQUALL: _"Listen Rinoa… I'm really not ready to commit… I **do** love you but…" _

RINOA: _"Save it. That's not what I want to talk about…"_

SQUALL (puzzled): _"What is it then?" _

RINOA (firmly): _"I want to break up with you." _

SQUALL (sad and surprised): _"What?! Why?!"_

RINOA: _"Because I've found someone better!" _

SQUALL: _"Who?!"_

RINOA: _"Oh baby…" _

Rinoa called towards the bathroom door. Out came Dr. Kadowaki, with a towel wrapped around her body.

SQUALL (drops jaw): _"You've **got to be shittin' me…" **_

RINOA: _"I'm most definitely not… Come here babe…" _

They start making out wildly in front of him, while he looks at them with a look of pure disgust. 

RINOA: _"Just one more thing Squall…Wake up."_

SQUALL (puzzled): _"Huh?" _

DR. KADOWAKI: _"Yeah Squall, wake up!" _

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_   _

RINOA (tries to wake up Squall): _"Squall… Wake up baby…We've got to go get some breakfast or the cafeteria will close down…"_

SQUALL (jolts up from bed): _"Wha- ? Was I… sleeping?" _

RINOA (puzzled): _"Yes, it's a common thing to do at night… Come on, get dressed, we won't get there in time for breakfast…" _

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_   _

It was a quiet and beautiful Sunday morning at Balamb Garden. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and everything in general gave out a really romantic atmosphere. Squall and Rinoa were sitting at the cafeteria having breakfast. Squall was reading his paper, the 'Balamb Express', to stay informed about any current political events around the small continent of Balamb. Rinoa was sipping her coffee quietly, shooting loving looks over to Squall from time to time. Whenever he caught her eye, he smiled at her warmly and went back to reading. 

SQUALL: _'**Finally…A quiet Sunday morning… I can just sit here, drink my coffee and worry about nothing…'**_

****

SELPHIE: _"Hey guys!" ****_

Selphie's cheerful, but ear-piercing voice sounded all over the cafeteria room. 

SQUALL: **_'Why do you have to be such a cruel deity Hyne? WHY? I just wanted some peace today… *Sigh*'_**

The lively brunette ran all the way to the couple's table and started talking incessantly to Rinoa.

SELPHIE (excitedly): _"Rinny! Just the person I was looking for! You'll **never** guess what I found!"_

SQUALL (sarcastically): _"A way to talk less?"_

SELPHIE (pokes tongue out):_"No silly! And shut up! This is between me and Rinoa!"_ (sits between them in bench)

Squall suddenly looked at them terrified, as he had a terrible feeling of déjà-vu.   

RINOA (curiously): _"What is it?"_

SELPHIE: _"I was just at __Balamb__City__ for shopping with Irvy, when we came across a new stand. I browsed a bit, 'cause I was looking for a magazine to buy and found **this**!" (sets down a magazine on the table)_

SQUALL (horrified): _"Holy shit!" _ (runs away screaming)

SELPHIE (confused): _"What's wrong with him?" _

RINOA (shrugs): _"I dunno… He's been acting weird all morning… Anyway, what did you want to show me?"_

SELPHIE: _"Oh yeah! I got 'Weapons Monthly'! There's an update for you weapon in there!" _

RINOA (excitedly): _"Really?! Let me se…"_

                                                                                                **_~*FIN*~_**

****    


End file.
